Dogbert's Guide to Lords of the Earth

Warning! The Following Article is Filled With Bad Words!

So you decided to ignore all the warnings and training films and joined a LORDS campaign. Doubtless inspired by visions of world conquest and global influence, you now wait with bated breath for the next newsfax, eager to see the fate of your country and those of your neighbors before you plunking down your hard-earned dinero and fervidly writing your orders for the next turn. OH JOY!, RAPTURE!
You poor benighted fool.
You have been conned, my gullible friend, hornswoggled, bamboozled. You have just sold your soul to a scheming opportunist whose soul is as black as Satan's own. Allow me to elucidate on what you have gotten yourself into.
You will have to associate with a collection of the most neurotic, self-centered, megalomaniacal individuals this side of William Shirer's The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich. Especially in Lords One (Yes! there are several of these campaigns out there! With more being added, its like watching gangrene spread).

• First, there's Rich Ketcham, the Danish player, who can't seem to think of any name for his king except Richard.
• His main rival, Chris Cournelle, he of the voluminous orders (multi-page extravaganzas which many trees gave their lives to produce) and trivial info.
• Carmi Turchick, recently returned to Lords One, the perennial `mad dog' of the game. You could have him down to 10 infantry and one leader and he would send YOU letters demanding YOUR surrender!
• Carmi's older brother, Menachem Turchick, solely bent on world domination (no matter how many DFs he has).
• Colin Dunnigan, the psychotic with a Cthulhu fixation, Freud could write volumes on this character!
• Dan Martin, the Nisei player, constantly planning to destroy his Tartar rivals and always blowing up the turn before he's ready to do so.
• Mike Stafford, who will play any country as long as it's profitable.
• Jerome Scheuring, perhaps the sanest of the lot, the man who will sign up to play, pay for five turns, turn in orders for one of them, and then quit. Talk about Taoism applied to gaming!
• Finally, lording over all of them, like a malignant spider sitting in his web weaving, weaving is the creator of this blight on civilization, this atrocity perpetrated on mankind, Thomas Harlan! (and you thought that Leto II had a god complex!)

Your association with these people will eventually lead to your social ostraciztion, people will giggle behind their hands at your approach, your social life will vanish, members of the opposite sex (or same sex, if that's your bag) will shun you. Soon the dread word 'squeeb' will become a familiar word in your vocabulary. My friend, you are well and truly fucked.
"But" I hear you cry "there are all those nice articles on proper Lords of the Earth play in the back of the FIFTH- EDITION- MORE- MONEY- FOR- THRONE ENTERPRISES- COFFERS- RULEBOOK!" Surely there is wisdom in their words on how I can survive! You're half right. There are words, but they ain't necessarily wise, they are simply one person's opinion, and we both know the homily about opinions and assholes. And since I too have both of these attributes, I will impart my knowledge on proper Lords of the Earth play to you, gentle reader.
By now your eyes have grown to the size of saucers; "YOU played Lords of the Earth?" Yes, I did. I was once a poor lost waif like you, lost in the world filled with Lords players. But I triumphed! I overcame my Lords problem through discipline, hard work and most importantly, by being an asshole! But enough of myself, you come seeking knowledge, so let me impart some of mine. Whilst I do so, I will take issue with some of the purported 'wisdom' of the articles in the FIFTH-EDITION-MORE-MONEY-FOR-THRONE ENTERPRISES- COFFERS- RULEBOOK.

I. ECONOMICS ARE FOR EFFETE FOPS.

Some players attempt to construct countries that are economic powerhouses, forgetting that the cardinal objective of the game is to destroy and otherwise harass your enemies. A good example of this silliness is the consistent defeats that Chris Cournelle endures at the hands of Richard Ketcham in Lords One. While Sweden may be an economic tour de force, Chris constantly comes up second best in his rivalry with Richard.
Doubtless this will happen to you if you read Bob Mahoney's article on economics.
No doubt inspired by the most obtuse articles of the Avalon Hill General, Mahoney gives tons of figures on how to optimize any economic aspect of any empire. Suffice to say, if this is your bag, you should be taking an accounting course or undergoing treatment for advanced anal-retentiveness. Shit, it's YOUR empire, if you know what you want! Buy it!, If you can't afford it, invest in things that will help you get it! Next you're going to want me to pick your nose for you. Sheesh!
There are only TWO rules of thumb to keep in mind regarding economics.
¨ Everything you invest in must ultimately be for the expansion of your military, everything else is secondary! The military is your tool to show these pathetic yahoos your dedication in showing them that they can't escape from the real world by playing this damn fool game! Mashing their empires shoves their laughable pretensions back in their acne-ridden, pock-marked, nerdy countenances.
¨ If there's something you want, you can always take it from your neighbors. Let your enemies invest in things for you by taking their assets over when you conquer their country. Besides, any idiot who is moronic enough to be investing in his university while you're building up your military, deserves the salutary lesson in power you're about to teach him.

II. INTEL IS FOR GUTLESS WORMS

"Luigi's" article on intel operations is the kind of tripe that should be used in outhouses everywhere. If you want to be condescended to by some aliased moron adopting a fake Sicilian accent, rent The Godfather Trilogy for crying out loud! It's far more entertaining than reading this drivel and it has some real talent in it. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out that Intel is basically offensive or defensive. If you're at peace, excuse me, if you're taking a hiatus from showing these petty Napoleons the spiked club of reason, then put your Intel on counter-assassination and counter-infiltration and keep it there!
If you're preparing for war (and you should ALWAYS be preparing for war) send a couple of leaders into the target country to scope out his defenses. This is the perfect use for your mediocre leaders and keeps your Intel focused at home. The turn you finally do attack, use Intel to kill enemy army commanders and for battlefield intel. Other Intel operations are useless chrome intended for the newsfax and to appeal to the vanity of LORDS jerks whose pathetic egos need stroking lest they face up to the TRUTH that their lives are MEANINGLESS!
Let your enemies have their tawdry bits of glory, the turn your armies ransack their capitals and hang their Intel operatives from hooks they'll be laughing at the other side of their faces! In spite of what I've said, some gutless morons will try to take over your country solely through Intel (probably compensating for a penile deficiency). If they succeed, you can be sure that they doubtless bribed the ref, either with money, sexual favors, or Chocolate Bavarian Creme Pies. Rather than sink to their debased level, you should outdo them and sink even lower.
Join every campaign that they're in (the LORDS player who isn't in more than one campaign is merely DENYING his affliction) and attack them! It doesn't matter if he's half a world away, go after him! You'll probably be destroyed, but that's okay, you didn't join this game to make a lasting contribution to its constituents' sense of well being.

III. TOTAL WARFARE IS THE ONLY OBJECTIVE WORTH PURSUING

Both Rich Ketcham's and that damn fool Puritan Usurper's articles on military matters attracted my interest. For about five minutes. It than occurred to me that both articles were written by that most horrific of hybrids: Western "disciples" of Sun Tzu. Sigh, it never ceases to amaze me how any Eastern writings, be they on spiritualism, military matters, or foot care cause people in the west to go absolutely ape shit. Unfortunately, what was sage advice in China during the Warring States period is not necessarily applicable in a game designed in the late 20th century by Westerners.
In fact, despite its medieval trappings, most modern military theory works well in Lords, so get rid of that dog-eared copy of The Art of War and read some Jomini or Clausewitz, better yet, such practitioners of total war as Sherman, Grant, Guderian, and Giap should be your guides. For that is what this game is about: TOTAL WARFARE EXECUTED WITHOUT MERCY OR PITY! You don't have time to be cute or subtle. Leave that to the Robert E. Lees of the world. What follows are some cardinal principles:

¨ All national effort goes to the military in peace and war. To paraphrase Septimus Severus: "Enrich the army, and scorn the rest". Every economic advance, every investment made, every item built and operation run must go to maintain your military industrial complex. You must have guns and your people will have to go without butter (future generations will thank you for keeping the cholesterol out of their diet anyway). Now there are doubtless some of you who will say "Military Industrial Complex?, that's not really keeping with the spirit of the game, is it? NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT IN A GAME WITH MULTIGENERATIONAL ARMIES, AN AZOREAN PAPACY AND JAPANESE IN THE NEW WORLD IN 1200 A.D.! Now get out of my sight! I'm tired of looking at you.
¨ Prepare for war carefully: Rich Ketcham suggests that you focus a main effort in one effort and go for a fatal shot as soon as possible. Richard plays too much chess and we all know what happened to Paul Morphy. In all fairness, I cannot fault his aggressiveness, just his methodology. ALL of your armies should be capable of inflicting crippling losses on the enemy. Once you've determined your target, spend as much time as you need to build up your forces to the strength necessary to do the job. Since armies are multigenerational, they won't depreciate and you can take as much time to prepare as you need to, decades, if necessary. Also have at least two leaders per army, this will prevent an assassin or a piece of bad fish from immobilizing any given force.
¨ On the attack, keep your armies within close range of each other. Napoleon used this method to great effect against the Prussians in 1806. In that campaign, each Corps was large enough to take care of itself temporarily if attacked, and the rest of the Grande Armee was close enough to come to its aid if necessary. So must your strategy be in Lords. Give each army an important objective that they can attain, BUT have each within close react range of each other. As a corollary to this, always leave one army back in your country to watch out for any enemy incursions or those silly little raids that Ollie Cromwell seems so enamored of. If your (ALL WARSHIP, TRANSPORTS ARE A WASTE OF MONEY AND MANPOWER) navy is not being used to ship troops, put it on react in your home waters as extra security.
¨ Once you do attack, the war must be total: I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH! DESTROY EVERYTHING OF VALUE TO THE ENEMY!!! Cities, NFP, Armies, Forts, Ships, people, dogs, cats, songbirds,etc,etc,etc. YOU MUST BE ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY RUTHLESS! If you take a city, RAZE IT!, if your army is short of support costs that turn LOOT THE REGION ITS IN! If the enemy encites rebellion in your pacified regions REGIONAL GENOCIDE THEM!
¨ Never forget that you're being an asshole about this: Once a war begins, never quit until either you or him are a greasy spot on the tarmac, the ones that mongrel dogs rut in! Ignore all entreaties for peace, be they written or verbal! Don't make any entreaties for peace! If you're mashed, don't worry about it, start a new empire elsewhere or in another campaign. After all, we're aspiring for a greater objective here: To make a despised minority feel even more so! TO TURN THEIR MORONIC EGOCENTRIC LIVES INTO A NEVER ENDING HELL, TO MAKE THEM LOSE WHAT LITTLE SLEEP THEY GET BETWEEN PLAYING THIS GAME AND AD&D, OR MAGIC : THE GATHERING, AND WATCHING TO MUCH GODDAMN JAPANIMATION SHIT! Never were Otto's words concerning Englishmen from A Fish Called Wanda more appropriate. Ruminate on their wisdom as you grind your enemies under your booted heel:
"To be honest, I hate them, thinking they're so fucking lawyer, I mean superior,with their phoney accents, all running around with their hair clenched waiting for the weekend, so they can dress up like ballerinas!"

IV: MISCELLANY

Richard Perlotto's article on communication and trust(!!!) had me rolling on the floor screaming with laughter. Communication and TRUST!?, TRUST!? TRUST!? WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THIS!? ARE WE EXPECTED TO SWALLOW THIS CODSWALLOP! Richard has spent his Lords days backstabbing with the best of them, along with writing self-congratulatory little missives like "Communication and Trust". I'll be leaving town now, I've heard everything. Simply put, if you need advice on this issue you shouldn't be playing this game. TRUST NO ONE! Let me repeat that in case you didn't get it: TRUST NO ONE! Let me elaborate on this: COMMUNICATE WITH NO ONE UNLESS YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO! AND THEN USE A WRITTEN FORMAT ONLY!
Don't give out a phone number or communicate via any kind of vocal medium. Besides your other family members will look at you strange when they start taking messages from complete strangers claiming to be the Holy Roman Emperor or the King of France. Ideally, the only communication you should have with your neighbors (i.e. enemies) is when your armies crash across their borders to loot, pillage and destroy. When you've wiped out his last army and spitted his Royal family on pikes then you can talk.
Thad Plate's article on Hordes was actually quite interesting; what he says makes a lot of sense within the context of the game system as it now stands. If at all possible, try not to take a horde, but settle for an established sedentary empire, even a little one. Colin Dunnigan's experience with Occitania is instructive, over the course of a century he took the little Duchy from the backwater of European politics and turned it into a major European Power … then he fucked it all up by invading England. But that's what you get when you attempt to court the bitch goddess Fortune. Ah well.
You really don't want to play a Religious Primate, either. Think about it: You would spend most of your time engaging in THEOLOGICAL DEBATES WITH LORDS PLAYERS!!! Frightening idea, isn't it. You're in this game to make their lives a living horror, not engage in farcical debates on how many angels can fit on the head of a pin! On the other hand, ATTACKING Religious Primates can be a hoot! Players who take these positions are the most fanatical, the most enslaved to their depraved, tragic addiction. Consequently, sacking their Holy Cities, burning their Relics and roasting their ecclesiastics alive in giant crock pots can be an immensely satisfying experience, ESPECIALLY if your religion is hostile to theirs. That way they can waste their last breath excommunicating you to no avail! Ha-Ha!

V: CONCLUSION

I hope that this article has been inspiring to those who wish to go forth and wreak havoc upon those smug, self-righteous, bastadges who go under the dubious moniker of Lords player. Working together, we can rid the world of this terrible subspecies of Rattus that stinks in our nostrils like a dead dog left lying in the street at the height of summer during a cholera epidemic. Keep the faith!

DOGBERT